I began my mission to show the world how difficult life is with Juvenile Diabetes, the stakes were high, since I was attempting to influence decisions that might affect millions of lives, including my own, and when it came to saving my sight, my future as an artist as well.

So I poured all of my anger and passion into this project.

I wanted to relate how much Diabetes had influenced my life in terms of a wall that inevitably holds me, not so much back, but by making everything such a struggle, turning my existence into a fight for who I am and what I want to do with my life.

  Figure hitting hands against invisable barrier.
Diabetes with my dependence on insulin is the "double edged sword that rules my life" it allows me to survive, but keeps me forever outsider. As it makes me
a slave to its domination of my life, I fight in a state of unending defiance to break down the invisible cage I live in, to experience the freedom and spontaneity of the normal world.

I had never thought of the conflicts with my condition presented with all it's careful management and compromises as much of a noble fight. Certainly never as as any form of heroic struggle. The more that I realized the number of times I had put my life on the line in order to live free and on my own terms, I began to wonder why those of us who daily do battle with it, are never given the same attention as athletes or sports heroes. I suppose it all comes down to living in a culture where people have never been exposed to the kind of battle we wage with this condition, or ever imagine the that hazards we face fighting this disease. warrior fighting a dragon being held by tentacles
I began to relate my fight as a kind of primal combat, defending by life against the on going threat of low blood sugars (hypoglycemia) against the drag of the high sugar levels that threaten my sight, and long term survival as well.

The more I delved into an understanding of my past the more I realized the impact this condition had on my life. Especially my identity, even though I have had Diabetes as long as I can remember, it wasn't until I experienced several episodes of severe hypoglycemia (low blood sugar levels) and Insulin Shock, that it began to alter the direction of my personality. Since I never understood what it felt like to experience life without wide swings of blood sugars levels I always assumed that when I was tired, or depressed, or found it difficult to think, that this came from a kind of personal weakness, rather than the effect that my this condition was having on me. Unfortunately my personality as underachiever was just reinforced and perpetuated by adults in the school system. No one was interested in what I could do or even the kind of struggles I was having managing my condition. I knew in the culture that I grew up in, that people frowned on anyone who complained or drew attention to themselves.
Rather than than trying to fit in like a round peg into a square hole, I began to feel more comfortable and at ease with myself when I was alone, and not in competition with anyone else.

On my own I wasn't different, I was just normal, the Diabetes side of my life didn't matter, I was just me.

All this time I couldn't help wondering, why me? The most dramatic effect of going into insulin shock was the sensation that God himself (or herself) had hit me in the back of my head while shouting WAKE UP!

I always felt that I was on an invisible path that, when I was on it would lead me back to my life of who I would have, or should have been if I had never gotten Diabetes. I knew I was on the path when I felt good about myself and the people around me, and I was off it when I didn't, it's that simple. This has developed into life-long spiritual journey, I found when I was in nature where my needs as a Diabetic didn't conflict with anyone's schedules or expectations. Significant markers on my path have always been set by musicians, writers, and artists.

In my worst moments of despair.I wonder if I willever experiencemy life, asanything other thanthat of a slave. (image) Angel withbroken wings.So I stopped beating myself up, and became a loner. I especially avoided people who out of ignorance, lack of imagination or understanding, tried to make me into something that I wasn't or didn't want to be.

Luckily I did have a sense of imagination, and I could always imagine some way to hold on to my dreams and always work on building the life and personality that I knew existed inside me.

Even so, the more I examined my past I could see that my life consisted of a series of jumps from one crisis into another almost always, involving medical or financial problems, all pointing back to my Diabetes.

When I got around to building this site I found it difficult to say anything positive about my life with disease.

I felt my intentions were truthful and sincere, and had succeeded artistically by expressing the difficulties of living with this condition but it just wasn't right. It goes back to the "Chinese handcuff" problem of pushing, or rather stretching the negative aspects of Diabetes so that people would take it seriously when it came to developing a cure.

It's like when I need to take an injection of insulin in public and people around me think I'm having a crisis, and I have to explain that what I am doing is normal for me. I don't want to have Diabetes, I want it to be cured, but for me, here and now, this is normal. The problem is how do you really communicate this to people?

I didn't want to make a statement on just how Bad it is to have Diabetes, and I didn't want to tell people what they want to hear, that it's all a piece of cake with sugar-free ice cream on top.

What I needed to do was to show the world how normal it is to have diabetes.

All I accomplished however, was a site that was really nothing more than a statement of how much I hated having this condition, complete with a "myself V.S. The rest of the world" attitude.

I couldn't help thinking about Robert Persigs' "Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance" where he stated "to make a perfect work of art one should not try to make art perfectly, but rather live a perfect life and make art naturally".

I felt life with Diabetes could neither be perfect or natural, likewise any advocacy for a cure or even any possible form of cure.

So I put my site up anyway, even though I knew there was some inspired side of all of this that was still missing.